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Out For Neighbors Cabarrus County Neighborhood Watch www.cabarrusneighbors.com (including Cabarrus Woods & Victoria Park) www.informationnet.info
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Neighbors Watching
Out For Neighbors
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Subject: Southern Women (Submitted by Sandy)
GAMES FOR WHEN
WE ARE OLDER
1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.
OLD IS WHEN:
1. Going! bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to
go along.
3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!
6. A Friend Is Like A Good Bra. Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, And
Always Close To Your Heart!
Thoughts for the weekend
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting
clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in
the first place!
When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press
'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?
Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen
aSleep yet.
My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that's what he said.
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with
something called labor!
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
WORDS WOMEN USE
******************************
FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right
and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this
will cause you to have one of those arguments.
FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football
game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.
NOTHING
This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually
used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out,
upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will
last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"
GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows! )
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over
"Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"
GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will
get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing"
and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools
off.
LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood
by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and
wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over
"Nothing"
SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is
content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.
THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a
man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying
you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used
with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."
GO AHEAD!
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big
trouble.
PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance
to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is
that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and
you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"
THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint! Just say you're welcome.
THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when
she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in
some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to
ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"
Q: Who has the right of way when four
cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pickup truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't
kill people. I do."
How to determine if your cow has mad cow disease...
Two blondes observed in a parking lot
trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger.
Blonde#1: "I can't seem to get this door unlocked!"
Blonde#2: "Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain and
the top is down!"
A project manager, a computer programmer and a computer
operator are driving down the road when the car they are in gets a flat tire.
The three men try to solve the problem.
The project manager: "Let's catch a cab and in ten minutes we'll reach our
destination."
The computer programmer: "We have here the driver's guide. I can easily replace
the flat tire and continue our drive."
The computer operator: "First of all, let's turn off the engine and turn it on
again. Maybe it will fix the problem."
Suddenly a Microsoft software engineer passed by and said: "Try to close all
windows, get off the car and then get in and try again."
The woman applying for a job in a
Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.
Foreman: "Look Miss, have you any actual experience in picking lemons?"
Woman: "Well, as a matter if fact, yes! I've been divorced three times."
A housewife, an accountant and a
lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?"
The housewife replies: "Four!".
The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures
through my spreadsheet one more time."
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice "How
much do you want it to be?"
Two guys are talking while sitting on
a bench in the park. "All of my ancestors followed the medical profession." said
the first. "Doctors?" queried the second. "Nope. Undertakers and lawyers."
Two men were in a restaurant and
ordered fish. The waiter brought a dish with two fish, one larger than the
other. One of the men said to the other, "Please help yourself." The other one
said "Okay", and helped himself to the larger fish. After a tense silence, the
first one said, "really, now, if you had offered me the first choice, I would
have taken the smaller fish!" The other one replied, "What are you complaining
for; you have it, don't you?"
Martha Stewart's Tips for Rednecks
The Rose
All through history in happiness or
despair.
A flower was given its stem cut with care .
And the thorns removed and its petals would shine,
A prettier flower, you would never find.
And the flower brings cheer to a swollen heart,
And it brings back memories to lovers apart.
As it stands alone so silent, so tall
Casting its spell, enchanting to all.
And women would weep and men would cry.
As the magical flower would wilt and die,
But a new flower begins as life journeys on
With another adventure and a new love song.
And lovers again, rejoice to the shade.
Embrace the odor the flower has made.
And a pair becomes one from a mystical power.
Beware of the rose,it's not just a flower.
Odd Thoughts From The Sarge
I was thinking about how the status symbols of
today are those pagers that everyone has clipped on. I can't afford one so I'm
wearing my garage door opener.
You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't
like me anyway.
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!
I was thinking about old age and decided that it is when
you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.
I thought about making a movie for folks my age and call it "Pumping Rust"
I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease....that's when your chest is
falling into your drawers!
You know when people see a cat's litter box, they always
say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I wanted to say, "No, it's for
company!"
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little
tiny spoons and forks so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks?
Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an
emergency. I think you should write . . . A Good Doctor!
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we
supposed to do . . . write to these men? Why don't they just put their
pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they
delivered the mail?
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a
whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me . . .they were cramming
for their finals.
Some Famous Quotes: Thanks Tammy Boca Raton
I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type.
-- Bob
Hope
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't
know the answer.
--
Douglas Adams
Ever notice how it's a penny for your thoughts, yet you put in
your two-cents? Someone is making a penny on the deal!
--
Steven Wright
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her
birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
--
Rodney Dangerfield
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting
something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
-- Andy Rooney
Some Oldies: From Kathy Atlanta
”I started with nothing and I still have most of it.” -- from a button via Cyril Sapiro’s Bankruptcy Museum via THE NATIONALPOST
”Keep your crayons sharp, your sticky tape untangled, and you markers capped.” -- Mister Dressup (Ernie Coombs) via CBC
”Remember, it’s always darkest just before it goes totally black.” -- from a button via Cyril Sapiro’s Bankruptcy Museum via THE NATIONAL POST
”You can knock forever on a deaf man’s door.” -- Zorba the Greek via BUSINESS COMMUNICATION (Guffy/Rhodes/Rogin)
”Whenever I go to Prince Rupert, I end up walking uphill in the rain.” -- Lorne Elliot via CBC Radio
"If you're here, who's running hell?" -- from TWO GUYS AND A GIRL via Erin Hilton
"Some days you're the dog, and some days you’re the hydrant." -- author unknown via Jon5821
"War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left." -- author unknown via RoboTyler
"You gotta have swine to show you where the truffles are." -- Edward Albee via Steve Miller
“Comedy is tragedy plus time.” -- Wendy Leiberman via CBC
”The novelist was in his late forties, tall, reddish, and looked as if life had given him an endless stream of two-timing girlfriends, five day drunks and cars with bad transmissions.” -- Richard Brautigan in REVENGE OF THE LAWN
”Loss of short term memory? Nobody voted for that.” -- Lara Bliss
”Fantasy flies in when fact leaves a vacuum.” -- from LETTICE AND LOVAGE by Peter Shaffer
“Men are from earth, women are from earth: deal with it.” -- author unknown via THE FUN PAPE! (Creston, BC)
“Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.” -- author unknown via THE FUN PAPE! (Creston, BC)
”Nonsense is better than no sense at all.” -- Archibald Mumbull
”You had to smile to keep from throwing up.” -- Billie Holiday
"A good reputation is one of many tiny annoyances to which I have never been subjected." -- Oscar Wilde via Keith Wyenberg
”Perhaps you’d like a little more of this imprisoned laughter of the pleasant maidens of France.” -- “Egbert” offers more wine in RUGGLES OF RED GAP
”If you’re not careful, you’ll be leaving here in your wooden suit.” -- from ALFIE
”I didn’t know monks had guns.” -- from KUNDUN
”The only time you can’t afford failure is the last time you try.” -- Charles Kettering via a crossword puzzle
”When three people tell you you’re drunk, lie down.” -- Sam Steinberg, via CBC Radio.
”The only people who haven’t sold out are those who haven’t been asked.” -- Norman Mailer via Larry Brody
” They can’t censor the gleam in my eye.” -- Charles Laughton via the INTERNET MOVIE DATABASE
“A thousand miles can be so many ways: just to know who’s driving, what a help it would be.” -- from “I’m Just a Singer (in a Rock and Roll Band)” by The Moody Blues
”On the very green fields of my youth I stomped pun-shod and neigh-nonnied in a nosebag of adjectives.” -- Dylan Thomas via Constantine Fitzgibbon
Submitted
By: Matt
Just a thought: Amateurs built the ark - Professionals built the Titanic
From James in Concord
DIRT FOR THOUGHT : From Howard in Ashville
God
is sitting in heaven when a scientist prays to Him.
"God, we don't need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to
create life out of nothing - in other words, we can now do what you did in the
beginning"
"Oh, is that so? Tell Me..." replies God.
"Well," says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into
the likeness of you and breath life into it, thus creating man."
"Well, that's very interesting...show Me."
So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil into the
shape of a man.
"No, no, no..." interrupts God, "Get your own dirt.
<< Subj: Genius In The Making....
Submitted By Anonymous
Following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry
mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared
it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the
pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs
heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools
when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One
student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we
need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are
leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it
will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are
entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world
today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their
religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions
and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that
all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect
the number of souls
in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the
volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and
pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand
proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:
1) If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter
Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell
will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2) If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop
until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year,
"....that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into
account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having an affair with her,
then #2 above cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and
will not freeze over."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"
You come in contact with it every day, but I'll bet you didn't know this (click Here) Submitted by Matt of Black Mountain
Subject: Fw: Some Things You May NOT Have Known. Submitted by Sal of The Print Source
1. Money isn't made out of paper; it's made out of cotton.
2. The 57 on Heinz ketchup bottle represents the varieties of pickles the company once had.
3. Your stomach produces a new layer of mucus every two weeks - other wise it will digest itself. (at my age I need it redone more frequently)
4. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper. (I am surprised someone has not tried to smoke it)
5. The dot over the letter "i" is called a tittle.
6. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top. (so...)
7. Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller.
8. A duck's quack doesn't echo. No one knows why. ( Aflak)
9. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.
10. Every person has a unique tongue print. (don't even go there)
11. The 'spot' on 7UP comes from its inventor who had red eyes. He was albino.
12. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.
13. During the chariot scene in 'Ben Hur' a small red car can be seen in the distance.
14. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily.
15. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.
16. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system; a few ounces will kill a small sized dog.
17. Most lipstick contains fish scales. (great for fishing fanatics)
18. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.
19. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
20. Ketchup was sold in the 1830s as medicine.
21. Leonardo da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time. (but could he chew bubble gum and run at the same time)
22. American Airlines saved $40,000 in '87 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first class.
23. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.
24. Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower' because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the 'upper case' letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller,'lower case' letters.
25. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.
26. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple, and silver!
27. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan, there was never a recorded Wendy before!
28. Leonardo da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.
29. If you pour a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death.
30. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.
31. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original "Halloween" was a Captain Kirk mask painted white.
32. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law,which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb. (and all this time I thought it was a term from proctology)
33. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.
34. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand. (but it will get you in trouble in bed girls)
35. Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with. It's the same with apples. (same for chocolate)
36. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying!
37. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.
38. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit damages them. (sorta obvious)
39. Back in the mid to late 80's, an IBM compatible computer wasn't considered a hundred percent compatible unless it could run Microsoft's Flight Simulator.******************************************************************************************************************
PIECE OF CAKE
Submitted By: A Friend
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